What is it to be ME? To be YOU? To be HUMAN?

Soooo, you’ve joined the empty-nester ranks, have you?!?! First and foremost, congratulate yourself on a job well done, my friend! You survived sleepless nights with an infant, kept from killing yourself through the terrible two’s….in my case terrorist three’s…..back to sleepless nights only this time with testy teens…..you survived!! Or, rather, your kid survived!

Now what? If you’re married, the two of you might be looking at each other with deep-rooted questions…..what the fuck do we do with ourselves now? If you’re a single parent, now you’re really feeling emo….in case you’re not hip (like me) emo = emotional. The feelings you’re experiencing are almost the same as when you brought home that bundle of screaming mess….you didn’t know what to do then and you don’t know what to do now. But, my friend, think back….you figured it out and everyone survived. Allow yourself this opportunity, this space, this freedom to rediscover who YOU are as a person!

Parenthood is one of the most sacred of jobs and you’ve done it well! Go forth, young person, now is your parents turn! Go forth, parents, rediscover who you are at this stage of life and know that you have earned your freedom!

Drink that wine (but call an Uber so you don’t drink and drive!), do that shot(s) of tequila and don’t worry about not remembering that you danced on the bar….you’ve earned it! Celebrate who you are and your accomplishments and know that you have earned permission to let loose….by all means, dance naked in your livingroom! Go on a trip by yourself and don’t feel guilty, don’t fret, you’ve earned it!

In doing anything you want, remember that you are setting an example for the child(ren) you’ve raised…..you are showing them it is okay to celebrate YOU! You are showing them the greatest picture there is….love. Love them, love you, love LIFE!!

I have spent the past several years winging this whole single parent escapade and wondering if the choices I’ve made are the right ones. Oh, news flash, parenting doesn’t come with a handbook! And now my child is off into her world figuring life out and I am in my new world of parenting from afar…..you never stop being a parent…you just do it differently in different phases. So, what do I do now? I enjoy life as I know it to be now and I share that beautiful gift with her…..so that one day, she will find her own strength as she enters the world of empty-nesting!!

Job well done, my friends!! Now breathe and take yourself out to dinner !!!

Happy Sunday, friends. I’ve been having some serious thoughts roaming around in my head centering on self-worth…so, naturally, I have come to sit in front of the keyboard. At first, I sat down with the intent to write this post to all of my lady friends/readers…but then I thought surely my male friends might struggle with self-worth. So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, let’s chat about self-worth.

What is self-worth? Some might say it is some kind of psychobabble crap that some therapist coined. Well, according to University of North Carolina Wilmington “Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem, which relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy.” So, there is just one of many official definitions of self-worth. Don’t confuse self-esteem and self-worth – okay? Let’s move on….

I am lucky enough to have good friends who remind me of my self-worth when they see me backtracking down a path I strolled down already and for them I will always be grateful. You see, sometimes I get caught up in all the feels that I will overlook any negativity someone is spewing – thus, affecting my own sense of self-worth. I have vowed never to travel that road again….but old habits die hard….man, I hate that saying!!

So, what is my self-worth? As I write this, I am really just reminding myself that I am worthy of being treated with respect, love, kindness, and acceptance. I am not perfect….no far from it….I am simply an perfectly imperfect and that’s okay…..it’s OKAY to be ME. I can sometimes be neglectful of myself and a significant (or not so significant) other BUT, I assure you, it is never intentional (that’s where the imperfect part comes in). I, admittedly, love the idea of being in love, of being in a long-lasting relationship, of being a “they” instead a “party of one” – so, guess what happens….I make bad choices in an effort to get to the “they”. We ALL make bad choices at some point in our lives – perfectly imperfect humans.

The point here is this – and remember this goes for men and women. Look at yourself in the mirror and have a paper and pen with you. Draw a line down the middle of said paper and make a list of all the great things about yourself and on the other side write down those things about you that are not so great. You will see, my friends, that the not-so-great list is likely to be much longer. Why? Because we are all our own worse Judgy McJudgerson! And this is where self-worth comes in – we see the negative and we forget about the positives about ourselves! When we do that, our sense of self-worth suffers and we make choices that are to our detriment! Men choose women (or men) who are more likely to put them through the wringer and women choose men (or women) who never see the good things, either…..oh but they are real quick to point out all the negative! Don’t be that person….if you keep making the same mistakes, have a look at your self-worth….it’s begging to be nurtured.

It doesn’t matter how old or young you are, YOU have a responsibility to yourself – be kind to yourself. I am, oh so guilty, of not being kind to myself and I am learning (slowly but surely) that I am worthy of being treated with love, respect, and kindness. Sure, I have slipped and gone backwards on occasion (even just recently) but, again, that’s where that whole perfectly imperfect thing comes into play and surrounding yourself with friends who aren’t afraid to say “knock that shit off!” – you know who you are, my friend.

What am I worth? Here’s what I think I am worth – when I give my heart, I give it ALL – I am worth getting the same back. When I give of myself, it takes me awhile to give you my all, but I do, eventually….once I think someone can be trusted with my “me” – I am worth the same. I am worth spending time with – even if it’s just going for a walk or quietly reading a book…or not even doing anything, for that matter – I am worth your time, so let me have it. I am worth seeing the good, acknowledging the bad – but also worthy of being reminded of the good things…..not just the bad. I am worth someone bending over backwards to make me happy – because that is what I do for someone I care about. I am worth being held tightly when I am sad, I am worth laughing with when I am happy, I am worth being heard when I am angry, I am worth being accepted when I annoying, and I am worthy of being loved as a perfectly, imperfect human. I MATTER AND YOU MATTER!

So, dear readers, there is your homework assignment – ask yourself the question “how much am I worth?”

From the time that we are little, society in one way or another influences our idea of what it is we are supposed to do in life. You know what I am talking about, don’t you? Be a good child for your parent(s), go to school, do all the activities, go to college, and finally get married (gasp!) and start the whole process over again with your own little family unit. My question today is WHY? Why does society dictate to us that we should be married or have a partner? Why is this a thing? To procreate? Why? Fight loneliness? Why?

I’ve been married, been divorced, had a kid, and now I am single and in my 50’s! I never thought I would be single at this age – of course not, why would I? Society told me I needed to be married, needed to stay married, and grow old together…why? Why can’t I just BE? When I was younger, I never really wanted to get married – I wanted to be a mother, though. It was really the only thing I wanted in life – to be a mom. I’ve done it and will always be a mom. It’s the one thing in my life that is an incredible achievement and something I am still in awe as I watch her find her own way. She is strong, determined, loving, and she has a confidence in herself that I never had at her age. I look at her and I think – yep, I did that. I am proud of myself for raising her to be the person she is. She is one of those young women who will never tear another woman down for simply being who she is – she knows what it is to just BE.

It has been a few weeks since the baby bird flew the nest and we have both been figuring our ways in our new worlds – she through self-discovery as a college student and me through self-discovery as a single woman with a whole new world in front of me. For 18 years (almost 19) I put her needs, wants, everything before my own…I made choices always with her foremost in my thoughts. And now, I am figuring my own choices! It is both daunting and exhilarating as I learn to just BE!

As I engage in this whole self-discovery (maybe I should say rediscovery) thing, I wonder am I doing something wrong in my quest to just BE. When was the last time you allowed yourself to just BE?

Whoever made up that term, anyway? It’s catchy but it also doesn’t prepare you for the myriad of emotions you go through….or the personal re-evaluation of your sense of self. As a parent, you raise your child to go forth unto the world and become a productive member of society (or at least you hope). But what they don’t talk about is what YOU go through as a parent…sitting on the sideline of your child’s life…..hoping and praying they don’t become a serial killer….or in my case, a SERIAL SHOPPER!! She sent me a tiktok of a daughter blaming her mother for her shopping addiction…..oh the horror!! (insert uproarious laughter here)….but I digress….let’s talk about this whole empty-nester thing…..

Yes, there is a whole slew of emotions you and your child go through……a need to hold on and a need to let go….some vermin (my affectionate term for my child) run out the door screaming with excitement, others kind of hang back a little and look at you with a look that says “I wanna go, I don’t wanna go” – yeah, that’s the look I got….my look to her “you can do this but I don’t want you to go…you need to go….but I don’t want you to go” – so, we settled for words of soothing comfort that said “no matter where I am in the world or how old you are, you will always have a home to come home to” – and with a sigh of utter relief, she went forth into the world with strength, determination, curiosity, and (thankfully!) fear! Why thankfully, one might ask? Fear is healthy because it makes us hyper-aware of ourselves, our capabilities, our strengths, our limitations….all the things that make us who we are. Embrace the fear!!!

I think the term empty-nester means something different for us single parents….no offense to you married folk! Married empty-nesters have a different path….hopefully, one that focuses on discovering, or rediscovering, who they are as a couple and as individuals at whatever their age is when they become the empty-nester couple. Face it, folks, who you were at the age when you had the vermin is waaaaayyyy younger than when you became the empty-nester and (hopefully!) you have changed…grown into a better version of who you are. Yep, it’s about growth….it’s about life…..we’ve only got one….

Now, empty-nesting as a single woman in her 50’s – now that is some serious shnizlet, right there!!! Let me tell you about my first couple of weeks….after leaving her at university, I took a week to myself and went “home” – reconnected with old friends, had great Mexican food, oh and slept in…..yep, no need to get up and make breakfast….I just took a week to breathe in my new existence….try it sometime…sounds easy, right? Not so much….you put one foot in front of the other, you inhale deep, you exhale completely, and you fight the feeling of being alone…..eventually, you ACCEPT this reality, and you embrace it because you MUST! Remember, no matter what, you are always the example of what your vermin sees and you give them the strength and knowledge that says “if my parental unit can do it, so can I” and you do it!!

First week back in Germany – I started a new position at work….surrounded by a “work family” that silently let you know they are there for you, if you need them. Bought a Persian food cookbook and tested my new found obsession with creating gourmet meals for a single woman…..oh, and had to do all those chores that the vermin used to do (oh yeah, that’s fun…NOT!!) and now I know why vermin hate doing chores!! Because we, as parents, assign them all the tasks WE DO NOT WANT TO DO OURSELVES!! Shame on us…..yeah, not really….just utilizing our God-given manual labor tools….hahaha

But let me tell you about my first WEEKEND, alone, as a single empty-nester…..I danced in the kitchen, I drank wine, I stayed up until 2am watching movies, or reading a book and then I slept until 9:30 – 10:00…..and woke up to a quiet house. There is a comfort knowing your child is under your roof, safe and sound in their room….even then you sleep with one ear open for any noise….that started the second they came home from the hospital! But now, you sleep deeply….with that same ear still alert should the phone ring and your child needs to call – no matter what time. They don’t tell you in the parenting handbook that you will never sleep as sound as you did sans children…..it’s in the fine print, folks…always read the fine print….just sayin’!

Pros about being an empty-nester – I can have whatever music I want playing throughout the house, I can watch whatever I want, your grocery bill goes down, no more fighting with school drop-off traffic! Cons about being an empty-nester – your house seems echoy (is that even a word?), you don’t hear “mother!!” from downstairs, you don’t have someone asking you a million times “how’s my ‘fit” (‘fit is the slang term for “outfit” for you old folk who dare to read this blog!) – yep, empty-nesting as a single woman ain’t for the light-hearted, but YOU GOT THIS….because now is YOUR turn….again.

Remember in the beginning of this episode I mentioned rediscovery? I am discovering that I am a stronger woman than I was the day she was born – because I have to be – I am discovering I am a stronger woman that I was the day I left her at university – because I have to be – I am discovering that my life is not over just because she is doing what I raised her to do – because I will always be a parent….oh yeah, that’s in the fine print, too….just because they grow up and go forth, you never stop being a parent – because I CHOOSE to be. Sure, I have moments of profound loneliness but I get through those moments – because I have to. I am discovering that I am okay with being alone because I am not really alone, am I? We are connected no matter how far apart….thank goodness for videochat!! I am enjoying peace and quiet but miss the chaos and noise of having a house full of giggly girls and that’s okay….it’s growth.

So, what is in store for me now? First step – I am taking myself out to dinner, I might even buy myself a flower! I am taking each step with the wonder and curiosity about life as if I were a young woman going forth into the world all over again…..but this time, I have the wisdom and experience of life as I knew it with a full nest. I get to sit on the sideline and watch my precious vermin grow into that person I know she is going to be and I could not be more proud.

Stay-tuned, friends, happy Labor Day!!

Father’s Day has come and gone. It was the first without my dad. I was filled with so many emotions. It was also the last first without my dad. My daughter has graduated high school. My family came that could make it. It was my first and my last high school graduation with her. Soon we will get on a plane, the two of us…not the first….but the first and last time I will be taking her to university. So many first and lasts…..don’t you think?

Maybe the first and last is just the beginning and ending of a chapter….and life is all of the stuff in-between. I sit and listen to the conversations between my daughter and her friends, realizing they are all about to set off on their own journey of first and lasts. My wish for them is to not dwell on these first and last moments – but to cherish the in-between and live a full and happy life. These girls, this sacred circle of friends, will always be the little girls I made a tea party for….gave them advice when they didn’t ask for it….laughed with them as they sat on my kitchen floor…these in-between moments of life.

As I hugged one of them good-bye, I realized this was the last time. As she cried on my shoulder, I wiped her tears away for the last time. She, too, will be going off to university and I thank her parents for letting her be a part of my in-between.

And so here it is, one of those last times my house will be filled with girlish laughter, smell of them having baked cookies, me having to clean up their mess. My heart is full…..my head hurts from all the noise, but, hey, that’s the in-between stuff. As I have watched them grow the past four years, listened to them moan and groan about this and that, I never thought of it as a first or last – just an in-between moment of life I was blessed to share with them.

For all of you parents who read this – cherish the in-between – know that you have raised your children to be strong, independent, and beautiful human beings. They are YOUR in-between as you enter a new chapter of your life. Life is firsts, lasts, and in-betweens – go forth, you parenting gurus, and seek your next adventure!! You survived parenting!!

That’s all for tonight. Peace out!!

Weight?!?! Taboo subject with most women, I think….sort of like never ask a woman her age….never ask her weight either! Do you ever notice how people are super quick to say something about how much weight you’ve lost…..but they whisper behind your back at how much weight you’ve gained….ever notice that, huh huh?

Well, guess what….we’re not talking about WEIGHT as in extra padding from eating too much chocolate or a Big Mac or three….we are talking about the extra EMOTIONAL WEIGHT we all carry around….men and women. Women are more quick to express when they have had enough and can’t carry the weight anymore but men carry just as much weight, I think, as women do….maybe more because of the bullshit stigma that society puts on what it “means” to be a man….hmmm, definitely something to ponder, I think. I don’t like society too much today (I’m in a mood, if you can’t tell)….the fact is we are all human and we all carry the weight of our individual lives on our shoulders or as I like to say “my backpack of life” and sometimes that backpack is ripping at the seams!

At the beginning of this year, my life changed and is continuing to change. I lost my pops, got a new job doing stuff I ain’t nevah done befo, and now my “baby” is graduating high school and moving half a world away to start her life as a “semi-adult” (semi because you know her bougie little self is going to be texting me to transfer money to her account…hahaha).

So, let’s talk about carrying the weight….I have days where I feel like my backpack of life is full and other days where it is light and easy and I have a grasp on this rollercoaster called life. On those days when my backpack is full, I want to climb back into bed and wait until the next day to start anew; but, I don’t have that option, do you? Carrying the weight around is what makes us strong….yeah, I call bullshit on that stupid phrase!! Carrying the weight around makes my back hurt!!

So, what’s the point, crazy lady….you might be asking. Ladies and Germs, I am here to tell you that it is OKAY to empty your backpack of life in whatever way feels good for you or to whomever is your “person”!! There is no need to bare the burden alone….find your path to letting go of the weight! It doesn’t make you any less of the great human being you are….it makes you BETTER by unloading because you are recognizing that you are HUMAN! Newsflash…..humans are breakable and sensitive….humans can be good…can be kind….can be real…..just breathe and let your backpack of life be empty when it’s too full….it’s okay to reach out! And for those of you who see someone carrying too much weight, be human and ask if they are okay. Imagine a world where we think of others floating down the same river of life….and we all work with one another in rowing the boat!

Enjoy your life, my friends, and be human, be kind, be good, be real.

So, one random day and an even more random conversation with a teenager, I was introduced to the term “girly-pop”. Today’s teenagers most definitely have their own language that good ‘ol Webster ought to write a whole separate dictionary for – don’t cha think?

Being a mom is something I have always wanted….in fact, I wanted to have a ton of kids but that wasn’t written in my story. Instead, my story was about the struggle to become a mom! Let me tell you….infertility is no joke, ladies and gentlemen!! It takes a toll on a woman’s body, mind, and soul. Obviously, I cannot speak to what a man experiences with infertility – but I can speak about the toll it takes on a couple! Luckily, the Dude and I worked as a team in this endeavor to become parents – we didn’t always do the team thing but we did with the creation of the teenager! And for that I will always be grateful.

When a woman hears “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you will never be able to get pregnant” something in her soul dies – okay, okay, wait – let me preface this with when a woman wants children as much as I did! I couldn’t walk down the baby aisle in the store – hated to be around my friends who got pregnant just looking at a man! You feel a sense of inadequacy, a sense of your body having failed you, less of a woman (almost). It is a pain that burns your being…but you live with it, you accept it, and you just go through life.

Well, here it is almost time for my little blastocyst to graduate high school and I am reflecting on her as a baby, her childhood, her teenage years. I am filled with excitement, joy, and hopefulness for her future. I am also filled with sadness because I will never be in the kitchen and have this human growth attached to my foot, looking up at me with her toothless smile, as I try to maneuver. I am filled with a deep love for this child who has grown into a beautiful young woman with her whole life ahead of her!

So, take a moment and listen to the girly-pop and reflect on the gift you have been given in the form of a child. Cherish each memory and look forward to the future….because remember you’ve only been given ONE LIFE….don’t screw it up by focusing on all the wrong things!

It’s been a few months since my dad died and I am slowly getting into the swing of him not being in this life. I have moments where I think “oh shit, gotta call my pops!” and the reality quickly jumps in and reminds me I can’t just pick up the phone. I let myself be sad for just a moment….only a moment because I know he would want me to continue on with life and shit….thanks, pops!

So, here it is….life! It doesn’t stop when someone dies…it goes on, so YOU have to go on; otherwise, life passes you by and it doesn’t give two shits if you’re sad or not. Someone said to me today “I hate life” and it got me to thinking….it does absolutely no good to hate life! Life is a gift and if you don’t grab onto it and cultivate it to be the kind of life that is good for you, well, guess what….life will be shittier than it needs to be!! Life is good, life is hard, life is easy….life just IS! Be present, be IN life, and realize that life is what YOU decide it to be. That’s what I’ve come up with about life….and no matter the shit things that happen in life, I CHOOSE to be happy, to be present, and to LIVE MY LIFE with joy, happiness, maybe even a chance to find someone lucky enough to be IN MY LIFE! The point is – we are all here in our own version of life. Respect others, respect yourself, and respect LIFE…it’s a GIFT!!

When you’re a kid you don’t really think about death because when you’re a kid you are invincible, right?!?! Well, at least that’s what I thought anyway. When you get older, death starts to become a thing because you start to experience ‘ol folk gettin’ all dead and shit…..sorry, my emotional attempt to be funny at a heartbreaking moment in the start of 2023.

So my mom married this guy a long time ago….I think I was 9 when they met. I didn’t like him much in the beginning because he wasn’t my biological father. But let me tell you, as time went on he became my daddy, my pops…he raised me to be who I am today. Sure we had our differences, but isn’t that what being a parent is all about? You raise your children to think for themselves, protect themselves, be productive members of society….and sometimes this can cause familial rifts. But your children always know they are loved, they are protected…..this was my pops….no matter what kind of shit thing I did, I always knew he loved me.

His favorite thing when I would visit him on weekends at the river was for me to cook and bake!! I had to bake cupcakes, brownies, AND cookies before I left. I had to cook meals and stick them in the freezer; otherwise, he would live off of fried egg sammiches with peanut butter and mayo or some god awful Hamburger Helper creation! And yes, he really did like fried egg sammiches with peanut butter and mayo….I actually tried it once, shit was pretty good, not gonna lie, folks. He also taught me how a real woman does a shot (or several) of tequila without salt or lemon…..”if you’re gonna be a big girl and drink tequila, just do it…don’t chase it down with any o’ that shit!” – I will never forget that ridiculous little speech he gave me with my first shot(s) of tequila….pretty sure that was my first official soul wrenching hangover. He also liked to be my guinea pig when I made up some new recipe. First time I ever made a cheese soufflé, he ate the ENTIRE thing!! “Oh, baby, that was good!” But then there was that time I tried to trick him with turkey tacos….he took one bite and threw his plate away and went across the street to the burrito place and got a carne asada burrito!

My dad died as one year ended and a new year began and I feel numb. I am at a loss as to where I turn from here. So, yeah, death is a thing, folks, and it sucks. The feeling of not being able to pick up the phone to call and say “hey pops, whatchu doin’? Settin’ on my ass….dad, you don’t have an ass….yeah I do, and I’m settin’ on it” – we always started out conversations just like that.

Have a fried egg sammich with peanut butter and mayo and think of my pops if you were fortunate enough to know him. I, myself, will have a couple shots of tequila….hold the lime and salt….please and thank you. I love you, daddy.

February 6, 2005 – two days before she was born – we were on our way to the hospital and stopped at Starbucks because the coffee in the hospital sucked. I remember thinking to myself “holy crap, this is really happening” and we drove away from the Starbucks for the last time as a family of two. We checked into the hospital and they got me all hooked up to this machine and that machine and we watched the super bowl…don’t ask who was playing because I really can’t remember. After the game we settled in for a long night of being woken up, poked, measured, and prodded….let me rephrase that….I was woken up and Dude was fast asleep on his daddy bed.

The next day no progress had been made for her to come say “hello world!” – despite my doing everything the doctors, nurses, mother-in-law, friends, everyone said I should do. But to no avail – she wanted to stay safe and sound, warm and snug inside her comfy womb. And then all of a sudden I am being woken up by the nurse telling me the doctor is on the phone and he needs to speak with me. My heart is beating so fast…..oh, and Dude, yeah, he was asleep. The doctor tells me they need to do an emergency c-section because her heart rate was going way down. My heart leaps into my throat and I think what has this past nine months been for if something happens to her?! I didn’t care what would happen to me, just please save her…give her a chance to make the world a better place. As I hung up the phone with the doctor, the nurses flipped on the lights and flurried around. Dude woke up startled by all the commotion “what’s happening? Is she here? Is it time?” – focus Dude, I say! The nurse takes him to get all dressed up and ready to go in the OR where we will get to meet her for the very first time.

“Oh look…there’s a hand!” I hear the doctor say….she outstretched her hand as the scalpel cut into the sac as if she we were reaching for the stars! I hear Dude’s sharp intake of breath as the doctor pulls her out of her warm safe place and she doesn’t cry. She looks around the room at all the people there to greet her, at the lights shining down on her, at her father who’s voice she knew but she hadn’t seen his face….and then finally they brought her up to meet me face to face. “Hi, baby, I’m your mom. You look like an alien!” – yeah I wasn’t one of those gushing new mothers until a couple days later – sorry, friends.

The next day after everyone has left our hospital room, I am left alone for the first time with this little alien and I am filled with terror because I wasn’t sure I would know what to do if she cried or if she needed me. The truth is – I needed her more than I ever could have imagined. I laid her on the bed between my legs and unwrapped her swaddling to inspect every inch of her, smell her little feet, feel her little chicken legs, count her fingers and toes – yep, everything was there and she was perfect. She brought hope, love, and awe that wasn’t there before.

And now today – she’s 17. I still want to keep her safe, warm, and secure in my womb – but this cannot be. Today we submitted the first of many college applications that will take her far from her warm, safe, world where she will begin her life and do who knows what! I look at her now and I see this beautiful young woman whose life is so full of promise and hope. She is goodness, she is kindness, she is everything that I ever dreamed she would be. I have done my job and I have done it well because she has grown into a person that I am always in awe of. She finds strength she didn’t know she has, she finds love for everything, she gives love to all those that touch her soul. She will go far because she has to….quitting is not in her vocabulary. I love you, Cecilia, and I am more proud of you today than I was yesterday…..because every day you grow more and more into who you will be tomorrow.

Don’t get me wrong – sometimes I still look at her and see that alien (all teenagers are aliens, after all!)

Do you ever look at someone and think you wish you could be them? Or wish you could have someone else’s life? There’s that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” and I think it is apropo when we look at someone else and assume they are happier on their greener grass. But are they really? You can never know how green the grass is until you’ve rolled around in that grass and compared grass stains on each others clothes. When you compare your existence with someone else, you might find differences or you might find more sameness than you ever imagined. We, as a human race, always look to someone or something bigger and better than ourselves. The reality of our existence is simple – be uniquely YOU. Unabashedly complicated, simplistic, psychologically intricate. Except yourself as you are, flaws and all, and others can follow your lead and do the same. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we had acceptance? FULL acceptance….it’s my utopia, I think.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like today had you made a different decision or choice yesterday? I wonder this all the time and I am not sure that I like the answers I come up with. Had I made a different decision 20+ years ago I would not be here, where I am today as a person….I know this. But to live in regret is to not really LIVE at all, is it? I think it is okay to have regrets ONLY if you learn from them. Do not dwell on your regrets because when you do, you forget to breathe, you forget to live. Your homework assignment after you read this is to think back 20 years ago to a decision or choice you made, write it down….then write the possible outcomes had you made that “other” choice. Then write down all the moments in your life presently that bring you joy, bring you sadness, or are significant but you never really think about them. What the hell is this for you’re asking, I know. Well, we humans are kind of black and white in how we see things….meaning if we see something on paper, a light goes on in our brains. What you might see is that your life is just perfect for YOU the way it is….it is YOUR definition of perfect. I’m not saying life is peaches and cream, by any means. I am saying that life is hard, life is good, life is beautiful, life is ugly, but it is YOUR life. How you proceed with your life is your decision to make and no one else can give you the joy, the happiness, the love, the sadness, the dreams of what it is to live – except YOU. You have the power within yourself to make those decisions that are right for you at any particular time in your life. Go forth and live your life!

Do you ever look at someone and wonder how they can do something so heinous and horrible? Is there such a thing as survival mode? We all possess the “fight or flight” mentality; however, many of us are not forced to employ this survival technique. We are simply onlookers and think to ourselves “that’s awful” – but not a single person knows what was happening at the moment. All we know is something terrible happened at the hands of another human being. To have empathy is to attempt to understand what someone else has experienced and, hopefully, show compassion. Next time you hear about a crime on the news ask yourself “could I have done that?”; the real, true, raw answer is probably going to surprise you.

I look at my life today – on this very day November 6, 2022 – and yes, I have gone through some crap in all my years – but I have also lived. I am thankful for each moment of my life and for those who have come and gone, stayed gone, come back, or stayed present in my life. Had I made a different decision 20+ years ago I would not be the ME who I am today. I would not have the family I have, nor the friends (you know who you are), and I would not have the person that is my daughter. SO I am thankful for my life today.

Do you ever……just sit back and say “hey, you, thanks for being you” to yourself? Try it….maybe just once a week….work your way up to once a day. Be unabashedly YOU! Happy Sunday, friends.

As we near the end of Summer, I have so many thoughts, so many reflections, and so many questions. This next year is going to bring so many changes in my life and in my daughters life. She graduates high school…..the end of her childhood is right around the corner and I cannot be more thrilled or more proud of her. I know, without a single doubt, she will make smart decisions for her future, she will glide through this next phase of her life as if she were on roller skates doin’ her jive thing……okay, okay, I’m showing my age. Seriously, though, I am going to cherish every second of this coming year….even more than I already cherish every moment with her. Where will she go? What will she do? Who will she become? Short answer….whatever she wants 🙂

As I enter this next phase, I am asking these same questions of myself. My mother often tells me of the loneliness that comes along when your children grow up and move away. I’m sure that I will have moments, hell, I have them now on occasion!! But what soothes me (besides the ugly dog and the asshole cat) is the knowing that my daughter is spreading her wings. She is becoming this strong, wild, free woman who isn’t afraid of voicing her opinion, isn’t afraid to stand up for her rights, and she speaks out for those who can’t! She gives of herself to her friends, to her family, even to strangers….she enjoys being a teenager and doesn’t feel pressure to grow up too quickly…..she is uniquely her own person and I am in awe of her every day. She is love, she is light, she is Cecilia Gavann.

Last time I wrote in the blog, I wrote about reinventing yourself. I recently took a vacation by myself. Something I have never done and something I never imagined doing…..but I did it. It was 97% wonderful, magical, self-awakening, and freeing. The 3% of it was a bit sad because I realized I had no one to share my joy with, share my happiness of discovering new foods, of seeing a beautiful country I had never been to before. There was a little sadness when I got stung by a jellyfish and no one was with me to soothe my stinging arm or put aloe on my sunburned back. But what I did find was I could soothe myself when I was sad. I found an inner strength and peace that allowed me to walk the foreign, cobblestone streets with a self-assurance and confidence I didn’t realize I had! I am proud of myself for finding my strength….for embracing who I am at this age, and excited for who I will become as we enter this phase together, my child and I.

I wandered into an old church to have a tour while I was on my trip. As I wandered through the cool cement and stone building, I came to a sanctuary and sat down in an old, weathered, wooden pew. All of a sudden a feeling to cry washed over me from my head to my toes. These were no ordinary tears that I shed as I sat there alone, we are talking about heart-wrenching sobs, crocodile tears, a flood from my eyes!! I was crying for that child inside of me that experienced things no child should ever go through, the teenager who experienced rejection and self-doubt, and the young woman who always felt lost and misguided and made bad choices in an effort to, well, who the hell knows! As quickly as the feeling washed over me, it was over and I got up with a renewed sense of self-discovery and, believe it or not, confidence and excitement! I am excited for the first time in a long time for whatever is coming with this next phase of my life and I’m ready!!

So, the moral of this post is don’t be afraid to fall down. In fact, go for it…fall down and learn from your pain, learn from your past, embrace the pain, and allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to heal for YOU….look in the mirror and cry those tears for the human you were before and the human you want to become. It’s okay to fail because it means you TRIED….to fail in life is to NOT try….to fail in life is to NOT live. Embrace the pain and then you will heal….and then you will live.

Happy Sunday, friends.

So, I recently got to travel to the United Kingdom to see Harry Styles in concert. One of the things that seems to have stuck with me is how he interacted with the crowd. He was Harry and the crowd were just his friends. He was humble, he was adoring, he was empathetic to all of us enduring the heat, he was human. He was not Harry Styles The Star – he was Harry Styles The Human.

As I looked out over the thousands upon thousands of people – the swath of humanity one might say – I was struck by the peaceful unification that brought us all together in this massive patchwork quilt of humanity. There was no hate, there was no derision, there was a shared love of one thing – music. You could see all walks of life, male, female, gender neutral, old, young, middle-aged, even an elderly person in a wheelchair! No one single person was better than the other. We were united by the love of the music. We were equal – we were human.

Where did this acceptance go? As I sit and write this, I am trying desperately to swallow this lump in the pit of my stomach after reading the breaking news of the landmark case Roe v. Wade being overturned by the Supreme Court. I’ve been trying to understand why it is that someone else can dictate to me what I do with my body. I’ve been asking questions to the Universe trying to understand what makes one nationality, one religion, one gender, one skin color, or even one economic status better than the other. Where along the lines of humanity was it decided that a man was smarter, stronger, better than a woman? Where along the lines of humanity was it decided that a white person was superior above all other races? Just because you’re more educated than someone does not make you better, just because you have more opportunity than someone else does not make you better, just because you have less or more skin pigmentation does not make you better, does not make you worse – we are each an individual piece of the patchwork quilt of humanity. And yet, we continue to be severely abused by disillusioned members of our humanity.

I am a woman who suffered for years from infertility – some might say “that is God’s will” – not everything is God’s will. I believe in God as being an entity that plays a huge part in each of our lives. We are His chess pieces and He puts on His board wherever He deems we might do our best to make humanity better. Today, the Supreme Court checkmated humanity in their decision to take away a woman’s right. I think about that little girl who has been raped and got pregnant, I think about the young girl who was molested by her grandfather and got pregnant, I think about the young couple just starting out who made a mistake and got pregnant, I think about the welfare mom who already has 5 kids, I think about the business woman who made a mistake and got pregnant…..these women will suffer – but guess who suffers more? That unborn baby….that child that might go into the system or be adopted to an abusive family or who knows what….all because these women had their right to choose taken away from them. When did women become inferior? Is it God’s will to get pregnant? No, not really….is it God’s will that women are to be seen as less than that of men? I wonder if it were men who could get pregnant – would there be any question of a right to choose?

I am disheartened by humanity and I fear this world that is emerging as my own daughter becomes an adult. What other rights will be taken from her? Will she be told what to wear? What to do with her life? Will her right to choose her own independence slowly be stripped away? And what of my grandchildren someday? What makes one gender, one race, one religion better than the other? Is this God’s will?

May the souls of all humanity be saved.

Or are they both some kinda lame bullshit that some sappy romantic made up way back when? We all have that one person, man or woman, that has a certain effect on us….you know the effect I’m referring to. The effect where you get all flustered in their presence, your brain wants to say all these things but the words that come out are all gibberish. And then you wonder what the hell just happened when you’re usually so confident and sure of yourself….but that ONE person makes you weak in the knees, ties your tongue in a knot, and just takes your breath away! Is it destiny or fate that brought you together? Is it the same thing that continues to bring you together when you least expect it?

I have that ONE person. I knew the very first time I laid eyes on him that he was going to be something to me…and it scared the crap outta me because I wasn’t ready for anything…I was busy figuring myself out. When I first saw him, I remember feeling this jolt of whatever it was….”here’s your fate” kind of thing, maybe? I didn’t have the nerve to say hello….I just stared out of the corner of my eye. Then we went our separate ways only to run into each again. This time it was different…he actually spoke to me!! He introduced himself to me and I was giddy because this man that I had briefly come across was actually TALKING TO ME!! Wouldn’t you know it, I couldn’t understand him because he had an accent….not only was he handsome and sexy but he had an accent that made you want to rip your clothes off with a single word!! Guess what happened…..yep, I got tongue-tied and I think I said something ridiculous…..see, it was so ridiculous I don’t want to remember!

After that second chance meeting, I would run into him every now and then and completely melt! I’d go home and replay our interaction and wonder why he had such an effect on me. Is it fate? Is it destiny? Is he supposed to be in my life? Am I supposed to be in his? What is the purpose of this budding friendship that would soon turn into a relationship? Only the author of this chapter knows the reasons…..I’m not the author, I am just a character in this play that is my life.

One day I received a phone call….it was him. Inviting me to meet him and go for a walk. As I drove to meet him I was so nervous! And then I arrived at our meeting point and all I could do was smile….he was nervous, too!! We walked in the woods and talked….somehow the nervousness went away. He held my hand….I felt so small next to him and my hand fit perfectly in his. Welcome to your destiny, my girl…..jump in feet first, by all means!! If you jump in head first, you probably wouldn’t have jumped!! This man….oh my goodness!! He wrapped me around his finger to the point I lived and breathed him!! Every time I turned around I sensed him…his smell permanently embedded in my sense of smell! THIS MAN!

Well, as fate would have it we had this beautiful, whirlwind, relationship that was both loving, passionate, and frustrating! He had issues that I couldn’t help him with….ultimately leading us to part ways. I didn’t want to be with anyone else after this….relationships make things more complicated. I’ve thought of him every now and then, looked for his car, thought I saw him once….and yes my heart jumped….I realized it wasn’t him. So, my fate was to carry on with my life, my plans, my story. He was gone to live his life and sort his crap out and I was living my life.

And then, fate rears her head again! Fate, destiny, whatever you wanna call it, is a tricky, meddling annoyance when you’re comfortable and you know where you’re going, what you’re supposed to be doing!! It was a beautiful, sunny day and I was out walking….in my own head as I was listening to music and not caring about anyone or anything around me. I feel a tap on my shoulder, startled, I turn and there he is. His smell in my nose, his presence soaking into my being, his nearness intoxicating as I realize that he is standing right in front of me! I stumble on my words…..he tells me I look good….tells me he thinks of me….he reads my blog…..and I realize I am happy to see him.

Is this our destiny? Our fate? To teasingly remind one another of the chemistry between us only to never have it develop into something more? What is it? Where is this supposed to go?

Somewhere there is a book that is already written for each one of us. And just like any good book, there are twists and turns, there are mysteries, there is love, friendship, sadness, happiness…..this is our Life Book. Who knows what will happen now…..stay tuned…maybe another chapter will be written. I think the most important lesson is don’t be afraid to live your life….run towards your fate….embrace your destiny.

So, I have always raised my daughter to be confident, strong, independent, and above all else to believe in herself and her truth as she believes. Some might say “what the eff does that mean?” – well, it’s whatever she wants to believe, how she wants to believe it at 17. If I have taught her anything I have also taught her to always learn, gather in those things about life that we often overlook – you know those things called “life lessons” – and from those lessons we evolve, we learn, we understand better who we are as a person. This is called reinventing oneself.

When I left my marriage, I did so for many different reasons. Some of which could have been fixed and others probably not so much. The problems we faced were not just him, not just me, but us as a couple, as a unit. It was hard in the beginning but it was best for me, best for him, and best for us as a couple. The most important life lesson we taught our daughter is that despite everything her parents could maintain, even cultivate, the thing that brought them together in the first place – friendship. We have a friendship that is so deep and supportive of one another that people have asked then why get a divorce. It is because we divorced that we both were able to reach inside and reinvent who we are and who we wanted to be. We learned from our life lesson and, in turn, teach that lesson to our daughter every day.

Here lately I have come to the realization that as my daughter gets closer to graduating high school, she is on the precipice of reinventing herself – who will she become? what will she do? where will her life take her? These are all questions every parent wants to know….we think we know and we know where WE want their destiny to go…but remember it is their life to learn and to live. When you become that so called “empty-nester” you are, in fact, reinventing yourself. Ask yourself, who will you become? what will you do? where will your life take you? When you ask these questions of yourself, it only seems fitting that you may just find a path different from the one you thought you were supposed to be on. Grasp the life lesson and embrace what happens next and don’t be afraid to make a mistake. Instead of kissing away that booboo on your child’s knee, now kiss your own booboo and move forward.

That’s not to say I am not afraid of this next chapter, I am very afraid. But, I embrace that fear and I challenge it! Bring it! I do not wallow in the past (ok, ok, maybe I do wallow in some things of the past….but that’s ’cause the water is warm there and it’s what I’m used to…it’s mine to get over on my time!) Take your time to reinvent how you see fit. But don’t take your time in making the choice to reinvent because life is short and you never know when it will end. Teach your children to learn, to believe, and to LIVE.

Now, stop reading this and go make a list! Make a list of all those things about yourself that you love, that you hate, that you wish you had done, or have done….be proud of yourself as you venture forth with your reinvention! What am I doing? What have I done? I’ve gone back to school, moved to another country, taken on a job that I had no knowledge of but now I got it in the bag!! What am I doing? I’m taking a vacation all by myself to another foreign country and discovering even more about myself….namely, I am discovering to like my own company! What are YOU doing?

You got this!! I got this!!

One of my favorite things in life is to have random conversations about anything and everything and with anyone. One day when I was in the grocery store I was chatting with this unknown person, The Dude (aka my ex-husband, baby-daddy, etc.) whispered in my ear “what are you doing? Do you know this person?” – to which I replied that I didn’t know the person. He looked at me like I was a crazy lady. But guess what? Guess who now has random conversations with random people, too?!?! THE DUDE….it’s really quite funny now.

However, the best conversations are those I get to have with a teenager. I think that conversations with teenagers can be insightful, grounding, even humbling, sometimes. Conversations with teenagers sort of put things into a different perspective than what we adults see. Teenagers see things in a way that relates to them and their existence and we adults tends to muck things up because we put our own weird outlook on something. Is this in an effort to hide the truth from ourselves? Is it easier to see things just as they are and not how we want them to be?

So, conversation with my teenager today makes me smile because it relates to being a woman, being in love, being someone who is admired or looked up to. She has been obsessed with the women and their relationships from the series “Sex and the City” and apparently she has had her “ah ha!” moment relating to her mother – me. For those of you who have watched the show/movies religiously – did you ever identify the most with a character? Well, I did…I always thought I was like Samantha….never did I think I was like the one and only Carrie Bradshaw! But today, in my conversation with the teenager, I saw myself in a different light. Today it was explained to me that like Carrie, I was fashionable, believed in love everlasting, fun to be around, and admired for my confidence and my sense of self. These are things I have never seen in myself because I focus too much on the negative and don’t acknowledge the positive. Apparently this is a good thing that I am like Carrie because according to my teenager, Carrie Bradshaw is her favorite character and the one my teenager would most want to emulate.

Today, in my conversation with the teenager, I was informed that I was her favorite person and who she wanted to grow up and be like….me and Carrie Bradshaw. I told the teenager to grow up and be herself, not like me or anyone else…..never be afraid to be exactly who she is. So, in your conversations with teenagers, strangers, or even yourself – don’t be afraid to look at yourself and see all the spots. What you may see as a fault, someone else may see as your special spark, your special beauty that is very rarely looked at by yourself.

I know death is part of life….life is a circle. We’re born, we grow, we live, we age, and we die….I get that…I know it. But no matter how much we tell ourselves that death is part of the life circle, it is so NOT easier to face. I think many of us forget about the most important part of living life….we forget to breathe. Some of you might read that and say “what the hell is she talking about?!?!” What am I talking about? Let me tell you…

Breathe in, breathe out….breathe in your life and live each and every moment not as if it’s your last but as if it is your BEST moment! Don’t take for granted this incredible gift you’ve been given of this single life….because guess what, friends, you don’t get a second chance! It’s a one-time deal….G*D can take it away at any given second.

I’m sitting here, finally crying my eyes out at the loss of my cousin. I’m crying because he forgot to breathe. He stopped breathing the day his mother died several years ago. He made stupid choices in an effort to feel alive. He destroyed relationships and demolished familial trust – but he was still my scuzzy cuzzy. We made perfume with flower petals and water, mud pies on a hot San Diego summer day, had birthday parties for his big Winnie The Pooh. He was a beach bum and would sleep with sand in his bed. I asked him once “Dougie, why do you sleep with sand in your bed?” He replied “it keeps me warm at night” and for me that answer made perfect sense. At one point in our childhood he knew every commercial by heart and I’d use his ears to turn the tv channel that was his face. I remember my scuzzy cuzzy going through a ketchup phase, too…..ketchup on everything….even pancakes!! He was my best friend until he stopped breathing and just existed in his life.

I’d like to say that I’ve learned the easy way that there is a huge difference between EXISTING and LIVING….but death is hard AF no matter how much you prepare yourself for it…..it’s twice as hard when you are not prepared for it. As you read this, take a really good look at your own life and ask yourself “am I EXISTING or am I LIVING?” – you might be surprised at what you figure out. Hike that mountain, take that walk, make your life choices but do so with hope, love, and enthusiasm.

Now you can breathe in the after life, my scuzzy cuzzy. Rest In Peace, Douglas Carlton Pscholka.

I’ve been thinking about something….I know, I know SHOCKER….I’m always thinking. The past two days (probably because it’s Passover) I’ve really been thinking about religion. Did you know that according to The Google, there are 4,300 religions in this world? WTAF?!?! No wonder wars have been fought and lost because of religion!!

Humans are complex creatures, for sure…and by virtue of our simplistic complexity we have been given the freedom to believe in what we want…at least most of us have, anyway. I wonder, though, because of our complexities how many of the 4,300 religions were developed because humans have a need to retain their individuality and maybe a single religion doesn’t quite allow for that individuality to shine through! For example, did you know there is a religion called “Church of Euthanasia” – FACT (well, at least according to The Google). The primary premise behind this religious sect is “thou shall not procreate” – seriously? Well, now that sure goes against the Bible, don’t ya think? Oh well….that’s someone’s individuality (insert shoulder shrug).

Here’s what I think – religion was born out of a need to believe in something bigger than ourselves….there is no way a mere mortal, a silly human….you have to admit, we human’s are ridiculous….could ever create the beauty that surrounds us! Beauty in the Earth, the Air, the Water, EVERYTHING! Look around you and see beyond the horrors of this thing called LIFE and appreciate what you see. Look at that person next to you with the piercings, tattoos, weirdly colored hair and see them for the beauty that they are as a creation of God. See the woman who has just given birth and given her newborn baby to a childless family….see the man who loves and cares for a child that is not of his flesh……even see a way to forgive someone who has harmed you or committed crimes against humanity. See even the beauty in this thing called SIN…..what beauty you’re probably asking…..the beauty of FORGIVENESS.

This writer respects all religions because no single religion is better than the other – just as no HUMAN race is better than the other. See what I did there? We are all HUMANS…I don’t care if you’re black, white, orange, or green…..if you have a heart and a brain, believe in Christianity, Muslim, Catholicism, Judaism, Scientology, or even the Church of Euthanasia – you are still a part of the HUMAN race. All religions believe in many different things….I believe in God, The Almighty, Y’shua – whatever you want to call the Creator. I also believe in the human race and just as I respect God, I respect the human, even with all of our flaws. I forgive those who have trespassed against me and my Humans. As you look at yourself in the mirror, remember that your individuality and freedom to believe in something bigger than yourself – is a gift given to you by YOUR God. Don’t shame others for not believing what you believe….teach respect, empathy, compassion, and love for all that is living.

Happy Sunday, kids!!

Why do we neglect ourselves for everyone else around us? Why do we have this deep-seeded guilt that we MUST care for everyone else to the point where we forget to take care of the person standing in the mirror? Now, I am talking about taking care of someone in all aspects – not just the physical – we are talking about caring for other’s emotional well-being, physical well-being, everything well-being. Surely, I am not the only one who does this…neglecting the self, that is. And when we DO take an extra moment to care for our own needs – how guilty do YOU feel? WHY do we feel guilty when we raise our hand and say “hey! what about me? Don’t I matter?”

And in no way, shape, or form do I want to be sexist here and say that men don’t do the same thing….neglect themselves. I’m sure there are many men in this world who put the needs of their families first and forget they, too, need to be cared for. My hat is off to you, to EVERYONE, who attempts to juggle all things in life – especially during this COVID crap. Yes, I said crap….COVID crap…..but we aren’t here to talk about COVID. We are talking about the importance of self-care, self-acknowledgement, self-belief, and self-love. And the kryptonite to all that hard work we put into our emotional well-being – G U I L T….GUILT.

How much time do we waste on feeling guilty for taking 5 minutes out of our day for just ourselves? For every 5 minutes of pleasure, most of us spend about 15+ hours out of the day trying to make it up to those around us because we feel guilty about putting our needs first for just a brief moment. Okay, maybe you don’t….I do. I have moments when I am so overwhelmed with life that I just want to scream into a black hole! Wonder if that’s what the ostrich does when they stick their head in the ground….hmmm…curious minds want to know.

I have neglected myself by not writing in this blog like I promised myself I would. I have neglected myself for quite a few months. I am here to say it is time to stop neglecting yourself! It is OK to say “yeah, I’ve had enough!” I am a perfectly, imperfect human being, after all. I do not need to be perfect. I do not need to be the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, or the perfect friend…I just need to be ME. Me, the person who is ever evolving, who is tired, who is alive, who feels…ME who needs to stand up and say “nope, you don’t get to treat me that way” – I am finding ME.

Why do we focus always on the negative of life? Ever notice that, friends? We are quick to focus on the negative things in our lives and we neglect all things positive…..why? GUILT….guilt because we are not supposed to be strong, not supposed to flaunt our joy in the face of others, not supposed to be happy. Guess what, friends, I am calling BULLSHIT on the whole guilt thing!! Go ahead and be happy! Be kind to yourself…don’t be afraid to stand up and say “I MATTER” – because you DO matter!!

Stop feeling guilty for caring about yourself….take that few minutes and go do something for YOU….even if it is just shutting the bathroom door and LOCKING it so you can have a few minutes of peace….most importantly, friends, stop feeling guilty for standing up for yourself, even if it means someone’s feelings get hurt because you’ve said “enough!” – Remember, YOU are NOT responsible for someone else’s feelings – YOU are responsible for YOU and YOU ALONE! They say be kind to others – yes, be kind to others but be kind to yourself.

We’ve all got childhood stories and memories – some great, and some not so good. It never ceases to amaze my mind how something so incredibly insignificant like a bar of soap can be associated with my childhood memories. Smells, textures, colors, even sounds we associate with things, people, or events in our lives that helped make us who we are today.

My mother and my biological father were divorced when I was really little. For many years I would go to Olympia, Washington and spend the summers with my father and some of my most cherished memories are from my summers spent on his farm. The smell of freshly cut grass makes me think of the farm because it was in the middle of the forest, surrounded by tall trees that I swore were saying “shhhhhh” at night time as the wind gently blew through the leaves. The smell and texture of mud also reminds me of my childhood because the farm was close to the Puget Sound. Burning wood is another smell that triggers these happy memories because the farmhouse had a big wood burning stove in the middle of the living room. My father was not a huge part of my life as I grew older and that’s okay because he gave me some of my most cherished childhood memories. He also gave me a little brother who has become a huge part of my life. My life is complete with both of my siblings who bring me so much joy.

Here’s another strange trigger – the farmhouse had a bathroom with a big window that looked out to the woods (oh yeah, we didn’t have any neighbors….just the woods) and you could lay in the tub and see a deer eating grass! But one of the things I loved the most about this bathroom was this huge fern that hung from the ceiling over the bathtub! Try as I might, I have never been able to recreate this memory! But, one of the most prominent reminders of my childhood is the smell of peppermint soap. We always had peppermint soap! Today, I still use peppermint soap when I feel the need to be comforted and thankful for the happy memories.

Another trigger of childhood memories – the smell of coffee. My mom used to make a cake every now and then with homemade frosting. It was made with coffee grounds and was sooooo good! I loved it when she made a cake!

Maybe it’s because of this crazy time we are all living in right now or maybe it’s because I am so far away from my family. Perhaps it’s the approaching holiday season and my first time ever being without my family – or a combination of all of the above. I am grateful and I am thankful for my childhood, for my life, and for those whom I love and who love me. I am thankful for that bar of peppermint soap in my shower and for the smell of the woods where I walk here in Germany. I would be thankful for a fern in my bathroom if I didn’t kill it – sorry, Ferdinand! Yes, I name my plants….don’t you?

Be they good or bad, memories remind us how far we have come and who we once were. Be thankful, be grateful, and cherish the moment you are able to be present. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

No, it’s not a day to go shopping because there’s a huge Veteran’s Day sale going on somewhere. It’s a day meant to recognize all those who have served in the United States military or are currently serving. But, I have to ask myself – what, exactly, is Veteran’s Day to me?

To me, Veteran’s Day is that one day out of the year that you take a moment to reflect on and remember the pride you once had (but maybe now overlook) for selflessly, willingly giving of yourself to whatever branch of the service, for however long. It is the day that everyone says “thank you for your service” – a salutation that absolutely annoys the shit of me, as a United States Navy veteran! There is no need to THANK me for my service because I did so, willingly. There was no draft that made me sign up, no one dragging me to the recruiters office, and no one ordering me to get my butt to boot camp! Although, I think by the time I actually did enlist, my mother had enough of my shenanigans so boot camp was a much safer place for me (sorry, Mom!).

To me, as a veteran, Veteran’s Day is just a title for one specific day, and some may get mad at me for saying that – but that is how I feel. Veteran’s Day should be every day, in my humble opinion. Every member, past and present, should be treated with admiration, dignity, and reverence, every day! Most of all, they should be treated with utmost respect and they should behave with respect! The sacrifices that have been made by taking the oath of office is not one taken lightly. Veteran’s Day is also a day for the mother and father who send their son or daughter off, not knowing where they might be going. Veteran’s Day is for those children who might have a missing parent at their game or school play. Veteran’s Day is for that spouse who sleeps alone at night, missing their military member – in my humble opinion.

Perhaps there are some of you who may get offended by what I have written – and that’s okay. I am but a humble veteran and in no need of a thank you. To my fellow veteran’s, I say “nice job” and welcome home. I salute you with respect, honor, and dignity.

Goodnight.